One thing about me: Imma tell the truth. And I know that telling the truth always has consequences.
Here’s the thing. I made a commitment to stop lying to myself at the age of 25 as I was knee deep in an emotionally and sometimes physically abusive relationship with someone I thought I loved. I was also in an emotionally toxic friendship with someone I considered a best friend. Aside from colorism and misogynoir, one of the most prominent aspects of these relationships was the fact that I was lying to myself perpetually. One day, during an intense back and forth with the former lover he said outright, “you're lying! You keep lying to me!” which was an incredibly astute observation for someone who actually constantly lied to and gaslighted me for six years. But he was right. I lied to mask pain that I was too afraid to acknowledge. I lied to keep myself safe and sane as I navigated law school in a predominately white environment after being the model negro for my entire life. I lied because I thought that’s what Black femmes had to do to stay alive.
But when depression caused me to decide that ending my life was the best option, I realized that in order to survive and thrive, I have to value my life. And to value my life, I had to commit to truth telling, no matter how much it hurt. So I began the very uncomfortable process of committing to truth. I chanted and studied the Buddhist texts I’d grown up reading, but with a different lens. I needed to embody truth. Embodying truth meant many things, including the fact that I could no longer hide essential parts of myself because safety is not a guarantee to the silent either. It meant that I needed to end these relationships that felt terrible in my gut. It meant that I needed to come to terms with my stubborn nature to outshine muthafuckas who ever doubted me. It meant that I needed to be free.
What does it mean to be free in a nation and a society that is fueled primarily with lies? What does it mean to unmask oneself to reveal their true nature when you’ve been told your whole life that unmasking could get you locked up, committed, killed, or get your children taken away? For me, freedom and liberation are synonymous with sustainability. And in order to be sustainable, my commitment to truth has to solidly be my focus.